Starting Now…

Deep in my mind, handicapped by my thoughts, I ran in front of a truck just twenty minutes ago. It was a very, very large pickup truck with a very, very large trailer attached. He braked, and I stood still, like a deer in headlights. I actually just stopped. I didn’t keep running like the obvious might assume. Nope. I stopped and felt nothing. No fear. No anxiety. No thought. I was blank; emotionless. I had no reaction. My arms hung heavy and limp down at my sides while Ingrid Michaelson’s lyrics ”…I wish you never came into my world…starting now…” fittingly blared in my ear.

The man behind the wheel wore a red baseball cap and had a stubble beard; he was nice looking too--sort of outdoorsy. That is what I noticed when I stood motionless, face-to-face with his grill. Those would have been my last thoughts had I been hit. Nothing profound, nothing amazing. No bloodcurdling scream. Life didn’t flash before my eyes (it didn’t when I stroked either). It was all very matter of fact. Very rational. Sort of like—okay so here we go; this is how it is. Acceptance, perhaps. Acceptance.

In all but a matter of seconds after he slammed his brakes down, we locked eyes; we had a moment. He didn’t yell at me. He didn’t flip me off (or as Janya’s kids call it: “the hate finger”). I didn’t scream at him. I didn’t kick his truck (I was close enough to). It wasn’t his fault. What may have been a look of relief or shock coming from him, felt like compassion to me. As if he had read my thoughts just moments before he snapped me in half. Like he understood. He saw something holding my mind captive and stopped my wheels from turning by bringing his to a screeching halt….

I mouthed “sorry” and “thank you” before continuing on my way toward the downhill on Simms Street. Free of thought and with a bounce in my run, I changed the song. Starting now…it’s my mind.